On Never Making My Point

April 12, 2009 § Leave a comment

Do you ever feel like you just can’t say what you want to say? I often feel like I’m on the edge of explaining something important and just can’t quite find the words. It feels as though if I could just get it out of my head, onto a page or a screen somewhere, I could stop thinking about the same things over and over.

I think this selfish struggle is why I blog so repetitively. Try as I may, I can never seem to make the point I want to make. So you, whoever you are, get the same blog every five posts or so, as I explore the same turf, and fail again to explain it. They look like this:

A) The “Moment” posts… in which I try to capture that crazy moment that I’m still not sure other people ever share with me. I tend to meet certain new people and know, just know, that they’ll be important people in my life. Anyone else have this instinct? It’s frighteningly accurate, and literally instant. Perhaps it’s where the phrase “love at first sight” comes from, but I wouldn’t call it love, just, I dunno, anticipation? Recognition? Argh, it makes me nuts. I can, and do, go on all day.

B) The “Identity” posts… in which I go on and on: “Why is it so hard for me to just be me around people? If you knew me you would like me. Why can’t I be less self-aware? Which version of me am I anyhow?” Blah, blah, blah…they make me a little nauseated, actually. Which will cause me to write another blog.

C) The “Gratitude” posts… I’m not apologizing for these. The world needs more gratitude posts.

I’m not sure why I’m so hell-bent on trying to explain myself to the world. I’m not sure why I’m still, at 26, struggling with an irrational fear of being misunderstood. I’m not sure why on earth I think it matters so much, why I’m always at the center of my universe. I’m not sure of much, really.

But I am sure of this: I am grateful this Easter for a savior… for a Someone who knows my thoughts, understands my point and how silly and small it probably is, and loves me anyhow, loves me for it, loves me through it. I’m thankful for a God who is bigger than my self-obsession, who died to bridge the gap between my failure and the Divine, who will put a new song in my heart. I am humbled by His patience with my whining, my questions, my weak and wild little soul. I’m praying that I may become less, so that He may become more.

love.

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